At least he has good taste or oh f&*k, that's a $60 bottle of wine my toddler's manhandling!

Max is a runner.  Turn your head for one moment and odds are, he'll bolt.  It's not his best trait (also not his worst, that would probably be the biting).  In his defense, he's getting better.  There have definitely been fewer mad dashes at the park, or oh-shit moments when walking with him.  But still, I don't tend to take him anywhere without having him fully under control.  Typically this means I carry him on my back.  In a carrier, not hanging off my back hair like a gorilla or anything.  Not saying I have back hair, 'cause I don't.  Really.

Anyway, when I go to stores I typically have shit under control.  Things tend to go very well.  Our normal configuration involves baby in trusty red stroller, Max on back, Molly walking.  Well, a few weeks ago I decided to change things up when I went to New Pioneer Co-op.  I had been lulled into a false sense security by Max who had so nicely walked hand-in-hand through the mall with me earlier the same day.  Now granted, my husband was there to chase if need be, but still, Max had done so well. 

So, here's what I did.  I let Molly walk, tied Maggie up in a Mei Tai and held Max's hand and let him walk.  Once we got in the door, I realized that maybe this wasn't the best idea.  So I went back for a cart, but the door wouldn't open!  Oh well, I only needed one thing and since I had forgotten to bring snacks, I would get them some cookies (and myself a Blue Sky soda). We were only going to be there a couple of minutes.

It started going downhill almost immediately.  We hadn't even passed the produce department (right by the door) when Max was trying to eat the peaches.  The two minutes in the supplement aisle were two minutes of disaster aversion mayhem as Max decided that he really liked the bulk teas in glass bins.  Supplement in hand, it was time to move on to the cookies.

This is when it got bad.  While trying to pick out their yummy vegan cookies, Max decided it'd be awesome to spin the little snack carousel (the spinny thing that holds chips and such).  Did you know that a bag of Pirate's Booty will fly about 15 feet when flung off a snack carousel?  Who knows how far it would have flown if that pesky deli wall hadn't been in the way.


Once he had tested snack aerodynamics he turned his naughty little eye to the shelf with olive oil and balsamic vinegars.  Which would have been okay at Hy-Vee, where I could afford the destruction without a payment plan, but no, this was NewPi where $40 bottles of vinegar abound.  Fortunately we were able to make it to the check out lane without accruing any debt.

I had really thought that once we were in the check out lane that we'd be in the clear.  Unfortunately we were behind free-range chicken guy.  He and the checker were having a very in-depth discussion about raising chickens while she very, very slowly scanned his groceries (all 6 of 'em).  Seeing that we weren't going to be checking out anytime soon Max decided that it would be a good time to explore the store.

Here's a (not-so-) quick rundown of the events that transpired in the next 5 minutes (5 minutes that felt like hours):

Run #1 took Max directly down an aisle toward the wines.  Molly and I chased after him to find him inspecting a bottle of wine that cost $62.  At least he went for quality?

Back to the check-out lane.  Same cashier, same hippie.  Still talking chicken.  Clearly time for more exploring!

Run #2 took Max to his favorite section of the store.  The dairy aisle.  Max loves milk like a frat boy loves 2-for-1 drink specials.  I found him lovingly caressing a gallon of organic whole milk.  It was hard to tear him away from this one.

Back to the check-out-lane.  Are you for real, hippie?  Still, with the chickens?  At least we've moved on to the bagging portion.  Which, I'd like to point out, involved plastic bags.  New plastic bags.  Free-range chicken poser didn't even bring a re-usable bag to the co-op.

Runs #3 & 4 were quickly aborted as I mostly kept the boy's arm in a death grip.

Run #5 back toward dairy.  This time I left Molly in line with our stuff, hoping that the cashier would just ring us up as she has to have noticed all this shit going on.  I'm hard to miss!  I'm the sweaty mess running through the store with a tiny baby strapped to me in a bright red carrier!  Everyone else has noticed.  Oh, and how.  I think I'd cry right now if I thought about all the ugly looks I got when all this was going on.

Back to the check out.  Cashier tells me that my daughter was here and asks if I knew that.  Really?  Come on, you have to have noticed us in and out of your line the last few minutes.  I'm only standing 2 feet away from you!  I tell her that yes, I was aware.  She continues to stare at me and hold my grapefruit seed extract.  I finally snap at her and say, "please, just ring me up so I can get out of here!"

Finally, we pay (I had to hold Max between my legs) and get out of there, Max tucked safely under my arm so that he couldn't get away again.  I strapped the kids and myself in and cried.  Like a little bitch.  Then I ate Max's cookie.