Blah

I know I've said this before, but I really hate January. Everything is wet, dirty and just blah. It's really the only time of the year that I actually get depressed, and I definitely have been this year. It's not really the cold that bothers me, but more just the same-ness.  It's always kind of grey, it's always below 30, the snow is always just dirty, etc. I had a friend who used to go tan to make herself feel better in January. I'd do that if a) I didn't hate myself with a tan and b) my freckled ass, having grown up in Arizona, is about one overly bright reading lamp away from a skin cancer outbreak.

Before anyone gets terribly concerned about my being depressed, I assure you my depression doesn't really go much past OMGIHATEJANUARY, which is easily cured by February (well, the last half of February, the first half is really just extended January). Hopefully I'll be crawling out of this funk soon seeing as tomorrow is the beginning of February.

In the meantime I've made a list of 10 things that don't really suck to remind myself not to be such an fun vacuum.

1.   Tomorrow is February
2.   Gamicon is coming up. I've always thought of Gamicon as my "soft launch" of Spring. Yes, haters, I know that Spring doesn't start in February. I also know that it is cold in February. However, I do know that the weather actually freaking changes in February. And that is all I need.
3.   Maggie is going to walk any day now, and that's always fun.
4.   I have the best husband ever.
5.   Molly turns 5 this month, that means she will go to Kindergarten soon, which I am very much looking forward to. We are both so.very.ready.
6.   I have 3 healthy, fun children (who are currently playing in the cereal).
6.5 I have above a 99% chance of NOT having any more! Yay surgery!
7.   I get to stay home with my kids and go to museums and parks and fun places.
8.   I have awesome friends to talk to at above places.
9.   We might get actual cancel school snow tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to that, I could use a snowed-in day. Plus, it might be fun to be able to go out and play in the snow if it's not too cold.
10. My new living room furniture is ordered and should be here this month!  Yay!

Thanks for crushing my ego, come again!

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everything is going perfectly then somebody's seemingly benign little comment completely kills your awesomeness? Yeah, that totally happened to me the other day.

I had taken the kids to the children's museum and it was great. Seriously. Max only ran off once, and it wasn't even that far away. And he even let me catch him. Molly was nice to other kids and she never even complained about going to the farm room so that it would be easier to feed Maggie. So not like my daughter to be complaint free, but she was. We even met a few new friends, which is always a lot fun. We just had a great time.

Then we ate lunch and went to Target. Lunch was amazing. Max actually sat and ate his lunch. Target was even better. Molly didn't have one tantrum.* Not even a minor bitch-fest.

Then it was time to leave. Baby in stroller, toddler on my back and Molly holding onto the stroller while we navigated the busy parking lot. Military precision! It was so smooth I even had time to leisurely sip my latte!**

Enter older woman (it's always an older woman) who hustled halfway across a parking lot to ask me if I needed any help because I "looked completely overwhelmed." yes, that is a direct mother fucking quote (if you were wondering, iPad totally separates mother fucking into two words--least it doesn't make it mother ducking like my Droid does). She did this all while grabbing my son's ass in obvious fear that he was going to fall out of his carrier which I assure you has never happened.

I was really flustered and kind of laughed/giggled very strangely and said no, I was perfectly fine. I once again sipped my latte*** to prove just how fine I was, then I continued onto my car. She followed for a couple feet with an odd look of concern/doubt/disapproval on her face before turning around and going into the mall.

Totally killed all of my warm fuzzy feelings. I spent the next 45 minutes (I took the long way home to force naps and have some quiet time) wondering why somebody would think I looked overwhelmed. Did she think I look frazzled? Did I sound upset or overwhelmed? Do I just look generally incompetent? I don't think it was any of those. Honestly, I think it was mostly the carrier. Baby on my back = OMG overwhelmed/hands full to a lot of people. Once I reminded myself of that I totally regained all of my awesomeness.

Awesomeness that I am going to need to need today. Because today is kind of sucking right now. Where's concerned woman when I really need her?

*Molly doesn't tantrum all of the time, but Target does seem to be a huge trigger for her for some reason. If there's going to be a huge tantrum, it's going to be at Target.

**It was really a Diet Pepsi from Taco Bell, but "latte" sounds so much more stay-at-home mommy.

***Still not a latte, see above. Also, "latte" sounds so much more relaxed than Diet Pepsi for some reason...

Loading Zones

I feel like ranting.  I've been holding onto this rant for two days now, since I went shopping on Friday.  My husband has heard this one like a million times before so I thought I'd take it here.  So now he can read about it instead of hearing about it, which probably sucks about the same amount.  Sorry.  I know I have like 4 readers, one of whom is my husband, and now I'm alienating him.  Oops. 

So anyway, here it is.  I fucking hate it when people pull their cars into a store's loading zone to load/unload passengers when it's raining (or snowing--I'm just picking on rain right now 'cause it's still summer).  Unless your passenger is rocking a pointy hat and green skin, he/she can probably walk across the parking lot in the rain without any serious damage.  And if getting wet is a really an issue I've been told that there's something on the market that can help keep a majority of the rain off of a person.

I know, there are some exceptions.  It can be difficult for some handicapped or elderly people to walk in the rain, It can be a bit slippery, and it can wreak havoc with walkers and wheelchairs.  However, it's not typically these people taking up precious loading zone space.  Nine times out of ten, it's someone with an infant.  There's nothing worse than seeing a young couple pull their shiny new OMG-we're-having-a-baby SUV up to the door of the local Target, take out their covered baby bucket, put the covered baby bucket into the stroller, pull the cover up over that, before finally pushing the giant travel system into the store after having blocked that loading zone for about 10 minutes. 

Now, I feel like I can speak with a little bit of authority on this as I've had a few children myself, so here goes.  Babies can get wet.  No, really, they can.  They'll be okay, they're pretty resilient.  Some babies even get regular baths and they're okay.  Also, that little hood thing on your baby bucket carseat, and that hood thing on your stroller?  Yeah, those help keep the baby dry.  Baby's going to be fine.  Just park, unload, and hurry into the store.  If you're worried enough about inclement weather that you need to take special precautions just to load/unload, then stay home.

Why do I hate this so much?  How does it affect me?  Because it's never just one car doing it.  It's several.  Every person who thinks they're too damned special to walk in the rain pulls up into the loading zone, and at any given time you have 3-5 cars blocking a good chunk of major parking lot thoroughfare.  It's dangerous.  Vehicles driving through the parking lot have less room to maneuver and more importantly, they're less likely to see pedestrians stepping off the curb.  Given the fact that visibility is already likely hampered by the poor weather, this additional impediment dramatically increases the risk for everybody involved.

It's especially bad at our local grocery store right now as it is under massive re-construction and their parking lot not in the best condition now as part of it is blocked off.  Add to that 3 SUV's sitting in front of their door and you've got a truly dangerous situation.  On Friday night when I was shopping I watched several near-misses of both the bumper-bumper and bumper-person variety.

It sucks having to go out in bad weather to do something you likely don't want to do, I get that.  And sometimes there are valid reasons for needing to use the loading zone, that's why it's there.  But please, people, be smart about it.  Use it when it's truly necessary, and don't take all day doing it.  Load/unload, but be quick about it.  Don't put other people in danger if you don't have to.

I'm done ranting, I'll save my parking space stalker rant for later.

Bitch-Slapped

Blogger ate my post, so this is a re-post, which is probably just a pale shadow of the original post, which I can assure you was full of awesome.

Today I took the kids to a "Paint the Town" event at the library.  Based on the name I figured that the library had wised up and was going to use child labor to re-paint benches and shit.  Or that it would at least have something to do with graffiti.  But neither thing was true.  It was just painting on big pieces of paper on tablecloth covered tables.  Paint the town my ass, the only thing that got painted was Max's front teeth and my left thigh. 

But whatever, the kids feigned interest for about 5 minutes, then I let them change into their swimsuits and hit the fountain.  That's what they really wanted to do anyway.  And I have to admit that hanging out in the shade by the fountain was far better than dodging an army of 3-year-olds wielding large plastic cups of tempera paint.  So we played in the fountain.  I chatted with friends, chased after my son and tried to keep Molly from barking at strangers.  We were all having a pretty good time.

Until I got bitch-slapped by a mentally disabled person.  No, really.  I was standing in the middle of the Ped Mall, threatening my son gently requesting my son return to the fountain and stop loitering outside the Sheraton.  Suddenly I felt something hit my upper arm and shoulder, so I turned to look (I so thought it was a bird, which would have freaked me out, 'cause I really hate birds) and I got slapped in the face, well, more batted in the face, it wasn't really an open-handed slap. 

After slapping me, he/she (I'm not being shitty, I really could not tell if this person was male or female) just kept walking, trying to keep up with his/her companion.  I didn't do anything, well, except utter a few really choice swear words; I was just in shock.  I am glad I registered that this person was disabled, though.  Because if I had hit back or caused a scene of some sort there's no way I would have ever lived that one down.  Not to mention that I would have probably felt like a total asshole.  I do wish that I had said something to the companion because I'm not even sure she saw it happen.  She seemed far too busy just rushing about 10 steps ahead of the person she was being paid to take care of and that's not cool.  Especially considering the person she takes care of is clearly a hitter (unless it was just something about me that made her lash out, which is entirely possible).

The upside of the mauling (melodramatic much?) was that it knocked me out of my bad mood.  I was in a seriously craptacular mood all morning.  I didn't wake up that way, and nothing happened to cause it, it just crept up on me at some point.  Fortunately it wasn't the kind of bad mood in which I spend all day being pissy and snapping at everyone.  It was the kind of bad mood in which I just keep a running list of every single thing that has annoyed me all day long (quietly seethe).  I even debated posting my list, but I didn't.  I probably would if asked, though.  At least a few of the big things.

Anyway, bad mood gone, I was able to really enjoy the rest of the day.  The kids and I had a picnic lunch in the ped mall, and then we went for a walk.  Maggie fell asleep in the stroller and Max fell asleep on my back in his carrier, so I was able to treat Molly to a juice box (Max can't have them, he squirts them everywhere) and myself to a Blue Sky soda (oh how I love thee) at the Bread Garden.  We had a great time.

Then we went home, where it seems the dog enjoyed his own "Paint the Town" event.  All over the living room.  At least he kept it on the hard surfaces (mostly) and contained to one room.

At least he has good taste or oh f&*k, that's a $60 bottle of wine my toddler's manhandling!

Max is a runner.  Turn your head for one moment and odds are, he'll bolt.  It's not his best trait (also not his worst, that would probably be the biting).  In his defense, he's getting better.  There have definitely been fewer mad dashes at the park, or oh-shit moments when walking with him.  But still, I don't tend to take him anywhere without having him fully under control.  Typically this means I carry him on my back.  In a carrier, not hanging off my back hair like a gorilla or anything.  Not saying I have back hair, 'cause I don't.  Really.

Anyway, when I go to stores I typically have shit under control.  Things tend to go very well.  Our normal configuration involves baby in trusty red stroller, Max on back, Molly walking.  Well, a few weeks ago I decided to change things up when I went to New Pioneer Co-op.  I had been lulled into a false sense security by Max who had so nicely walked hand-in-hand through the mall with me earlier the same day.  Now granted, my husband was there to chase if need be, but still, Max had done so well. 

So, here's what I did.  I let Molly walk, tied Maggie up in a Mei Tai and held Max's hand and let him walk.  Once we got in the door, I realized that maybe this wasn't the best idea.  So I went back for a cart, but the door wouldn't open!  Oh well, I only needed one thing and since I had forgotten to bring snacks, I would get them some cookies (and myself a Blue Sky soda). We were only going to be there a couple of minutes.

It started going downhill almost immediately.  We hadn't even passed the produce department (right by the door) when Max was trying to eat the peaches.  The two minutes in the supplement aisle were two minutes of disaster aversion mayhem as Max decided that he really liked the bulk teas in glass bins.  Supplement in hand, it was time to move on to the cookies.

This is when it got bad.  While trying to pick out their yummy vegan cookies, Max decided it'd be awesome to spin the little snack carousel (the spinny thing that holds chips and such).  Did you know that a bag of Pirate's Booty will fly about 15 feet when flung off a snack carousel?  Who knows how far it would have flown if that pesky deli wall hadn't been in the way.


Once he had tested snack aerodynamics he turned his naughty little eye to the shelf with olive oil and balsamic vinegars.  Which would have been okay at Hy-Vee, where I could afford the destruction without a payment plan, but no, this was NewPi where $40 bottles of vinegar abound.  Fortunately we were able to make it to the check out lane without accruing any debt.

I had really thought that once we were in the check out lane that we'd be in the clear.  Unfortunately we were behind free-range chicken guy.  He and the checker were having a very in-depth discussion about raising chickens while she very, very slowly scanned his groceries (all 6 of 'em).  Seeing that we weren't going to be checking out anytime soon Max decided that it would be a good time to explore the store.

Here's a (not-so-) quick rundown of the events that transpired in the next 5 minutes (5 minutes that felt like hours):

Run #1 took Max directly down an aisle toward the wines.  Molly and I chased after him to find him inspecting a bottle of wine that cost $62.  At least he went for quality?

Back to the check-out lane.  Same cashier, same hippie.  Still talking chicken.  Clearly time for more exploring!

Run #2 took Max to his favorite section of the store.  The dairy aisle.  Max loves milk like a frat boy loves 2-for-1 drink specials.  I found him lovingly caressing a gallon of organic whole milk.  It was hard to tear him away from this one.

Back to the check-out-lane.  Are you for real, hippie?  Still, with the chickens?  At least we've moved on to the bagging portion.  Which, I'd like to point out, involved plastic bags.  New plastic bags.  Free-range chicken poser didn't even bring a re-usable bag to the co-op.

Runs #3 & 4 were quickly aborted as I mostly kept the boy's arm in a death grip.

Run #5 back toward dairy.  This time I left Molly in line with our stuff, hoping that the cashier would just ring us up as she has to have noticed all this shit going on.  I'm hard to miss!  I'm the sweaty mess running through the store with a tiny baby strapped to me in a bright red carrier!  Everyone else has noticed.  Oh, and how.  I think I'd cry right now if I thought about all the ugly looks I got when all this was going on.

Back to the check out.  Cashier tells me that my daughter was here and asks if I knew that.  Really?  Come on, you have to have noticed us in and out of your line the last few minutes.  I'm only standing 2 feet away from you!  I tell her that yes, I was aware.  She continues to stare at me and hold my grapefruit seed extract.  I finally snap at her and say, "please, just ring me up so I can get out of here!"

Finally, we pay (I had to hold Max between my legs) and get out of there, Max tucked safely under my arm so that he couldn't get away again.  I strapped the kids and myself in and cried.  Like a little bitch.  Then I ate Max's cookie.

Naked Ladies

Molly had daily swimming lessons the last couple of weeks.  At 9 in the morning.  That meant that I loaded up all three kids, swimming gear, plus any additional gear/meals we would need for any play dates we had afterward.  It went a hell of a lot better than you might think.  I take a really crazy amount of pride in saying that in the two weeks she had class we were always there and we were never late.


One of these mornings we go to the locker room after Molly has showered.  The locker room is completely filled with naked old women.  Seriously.  Very naked, very old women.  I'd like to know the exact hormone cocktail I need to take when I hit menopause to avoid the desire to be tits out naked in public.  It's apparently some primal urge that begins in toddlerhood, rears its head at frat parties or around Girls Gone Wild cameras, then returns, full force at about 50, unleashing itself upon innocent locker rooms all over the country.

But anyway, Molly stands up on one of the benches in the locker room (which she's not supposed to do) and promptly tumbles off.  She immediately laughs and stands up, so I know she's not been mortally wounded.  She then proceeds to dance around and dawdle, and gawk at the naked women. At this point I turn into the annoying hurry up mommy, and prod her to move it along as we were going to be meeting friends in the park.

One of the naked women decides to tell me that I need to relax and just enjoy my kids while they're young, they won't be that way forever, etc.  I just nodded and smiled, thinking that it was a nice sentiment, that she was just being friendly.  But as I thought about the incident later I started to get a little annoyed.  I mean here I am, standing in a hot, humid locker room, two kids strapped to my body, surrounded my oddly hairless naked old women.  I think I've earned the right to be a little impatient with my dawdling, gawking daughter.  Especially since I know that within 10 minutes of Molly getting dressed and out of the locker room that we will be at the park, enjoying a gorgeous day with good friends. 

Not to mention the fact that I do enjoy my children.  That's why I kept having them, and that's why my husband and I worked so hard so that I can stay home with them.  I am keenly aware that time is fleeting and that they won't be small and cuddly forever.  Eventually they will go to school and play sports and join clubs and do all sorts of things that don't involve me.  But for now we will continue to do fun things together, like go to the park, visit the library, make cookies and explore the museum.  Not on the list of awesome?  Being cooped up in a steamy locker room, listening to naked old women bitch at us.

Today I went to the mall

and learned that I should have stayed home. It's 5 days until Christmas and the placed was packed (even on a Monday morning) and people were grumpy, myself included. I do have a couple words (and they are not "Merry Christmas") for some people.

First one goes out to the woman who felt the need to dart past my pregnant self and my squirming child to rush into the family bathroom. I somehow doubt it was an emergency as you had plenty of time to complain about the smell. It's a "family" bathroom. That's why there's a tiny little toilet in there across from the big toilet. It's dirty and and stinky and it is not for middle-aged women who like a little privacy while they read. There is a very large, very clean bathroom less than 20 feet away that is intended for everybody. Use it.

Second one goes out to the older couple in the toothpaste aisle at Target. Was it really necessary to literally push me out of your way in search of a SpinBrush? I am glad you chose not to push past the nice lady with the oxygen, but maybe you could have extended the courtesy me, too. I understand you were trying to find that toothbrush just like yours that the grandkids like (thanks for letting myself and all of the surrounding aisles know), but I highly doubt that there's going to be a last-minute holiday rush on them. By the way, the toothbrush in the Christmas stocking? Yeah, that'll make you popular. Ask my stepmother about that one (if she's still alive, haven't talked to her in over a decade or two).

Last one goes to the older woman who felt it necessary to stage whisper not once, but twice the fact that my son was without shoes and socks and that somebody should call somebody else to do something about that. Had you put your keen observational skills to good use you may have noticed that I was carrying said socks and shoes. Furthermore, while I have not researched the subject entirely, I am quite certain that no toddler has ever suffered the loss of a toe to frostbite while in Target or the Food Court. Perhaps in the future you could be a bit more direct and just let me know that my son is missing his shoes and/or socks. I might actually appreciate that as sometimes I don't notice when he pulls them off and throws them at random passersby.

I will be happy when Christmas is over and we can have our nice, quiet weekday mall back.